Obviously I haven’t written any thoughts down in a few weeks.  I have been stuck on the thoughts of my last post and trying to reconcile the whole thoughts / actions contradictions. You may say I’ve been experiencing “paralysis by analysis”. 

  I decided I have suffered enough from this thought process and its time to take action. Smoked my last cig at 6:20 PM yesterday , went home ran 4 miles then had a dinner of chicken and rice. I have begun, today I will take care of this body my soul calls home.

  While I’m thinking about it I will take a few minutes this morning to talk with the God of my understanding and then remember to listen and pay attention throughout the day. 

  Unfortunately I can’t just up and move to some waterfront property so I will accept the thing I can not change for now. I will keep it as a goal and focus on the change I can affect.

  Some say change your thoughts and your actions will follow. My experience has been change my actions and my thoughts will follow . I have begun. 



I love the ocean yet live land locked in Central New York.

I think of myself as a physically fit yet continue to smoke, not eat right, get too little sleep and only work out once per week.

I think of myself as spiritual but invest little time and effort on relationship with my Higher Power.

My actions don’t match up with my thoughts. Hence time for change.


So where do I begin?

  First let me warn you that I am not a writer. Never have been never will be. So for anyone who may venture to read what I have to say you have been forewarned. 

  Now the reason for this whole undertaking, its about change. Personal change. The motivation for change came about as the result of reading a book recommended by a counselor. The counselor came about as the result of my wife informing me she wants a divorce, so I sought “Divorce Recovery” guidance. The divorce request came about only after almost a year of trying to make the marriage work. She came to the conclusion that while she loves me and I am “perfect, there is nothing I would change about you” she is not “in love” with me. I love my wife very much. I was also “in love” with her . So as you can imagine this was a pretty tough pill to swallow. But I have finally got it down and trying my best to move on, hence the counseling.

 The book recommended by this therapist, which I won’t mention yet was a real eye opener. I read it with an open mind and had to admit to some degree that describes me. And it is a book about an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Now there was no verbal or physical abuse, infidelity, neither of us drink or do drugs…you know, the usual things that destroy a marriage. Instead I think I the opposite hindered our relationship. Perhaps I was too nice, too helpful trying to “manage” a relationship. Some where I got too wrapped  in the marriage and lost some of myself.

  Now this is where the change part comes in because its time for me to focus on my likes, wants, desires and I’m not entirely sure what they are. So it will be a journey of discovery. While change is difficult, it does bring new opportunity and I want to make the most of it. Stay tuned if you have any interest in hearing what I find.


Saying goodbye to old behaviors, attitudes, ways of thinking, feeling and expressing that I thought served me well. I was wrong. There is no suit of armor to protect you from heartache.